


show me slowing

by hyperfixation_station



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Anxious Amy Santiago, BAMF Amy Santiago, BAMF Rosa Diaz, Bisexual Amy Santiago, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Rosa Diaz, Bisexuality, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon LGBTQ Female Character, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Female Character of Color, LGBTQ Themes, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rosa Diaz Has Feelings (Brooklyn Nine-Nine), Rosa Diaz Has PTSD, Soft Rosa Diaz, capitalizing tags i made up to act like they already exist?, couldn't be, me? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24550819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyperfixation_station/pseuds/hyperfixation_station
Summary: Takes place after episode 5x20, Show Me Going.Rosa Diaz was just in an active shooter situation in Brooklyn Heights. She gets out unharmed... or so everyone thinks. She goes home. She can handle it, right? She doesn't need a hospital to fix her up.But then she collapses.
Relationships: Rosa Diaz & Gina Linetti, Rosa Diaz & Jake Peralta, Rosa Diaz/Amy Santiago
Comments: 19
Kudos: 172





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt from "Sola" on ao3: I noticed that the show never really touched on how the active shooter situation (5x20 show me going) affected Rosa. She seemed to completely brush it off, which I think is unrealistic. Would you mind writing about this? Perhaps something where Rosa got hurt but hid it from the squad?

***TRIGGER WARNING: BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF A BLOODY WOUND***

Rosa comes into the bullpen silently and sees that the squad is yelling at Scully. Just how she left them.

"Come on guys, go easy on him." She smiles as she sees their faces light up and relief wash over them.

"You're okay! Where'd you come from?" Jake exclaims, rushing towards her.

"Felt like walking, so I took the stairs," she explains. "Also, I thought'd be funny to mess with you guys."

Jake has an "upset" expression on his face as he puts his hands on his hips and says sternly, "Rosa, you know I hate pranks."

Rosa chuckles as she replies, "You love pranks."

"I do. I really do." Rosa braces for impact as Jake comes her hug her. He tears up as he feels her hug back. "You did it so good." He never thought he could miss her as much as he did.

"Were you guys worried about me or something?" Rosa teases.

Jake stands up and rejoins the rest of the squad. He wipes away his tears and answers quickly, "No. No, of course not."

The squad begins firing questions at her;

"Did they shoot at you?"

"Were you in the thick of it?"

Rosa cuts them off. She knows today has been hard on them, too, and she's prepared to answer at least some of their questions, before she feels the pain come back. It's sharp and throbbing. She puts her hands back in her pocket and puts pressure on it, as secretly as she can.

"It's been a really tough day," she sighs. "I just wanna get a beer. I don't feel like getting into it."

Jake holds his hand up to stop her. "Are you sure? Because the journey I went on today taught me that sometimes it's best to talk about things-"

"Jake."

"Right. It was a stupid idea, and Holt made me do it. So," he mutters. "Just, go get yourself a drink and sit in total silence."

"Perfect. First, I gotta hit the can." She's itching to leave now, but she realizes she hasn't seen Amy or Gina yet. But, as if she summoned her, Rosa hears Gina's voice behind her.

Rosa turns around and Gina is leaning against a wall. "Actually, you might want to check out the ladies room up here. Hey, Rosa, it's me, Gina Linetti." Rosa smirks at Gina's attitude. She was always so full of herself, but Rosa loved it. "Welcome back. Me and Amy made a little surprise for you and I think you're going to like it very much." Terry was wondering what not-gross answer this "surprise" could possibly be. "Come on, girl." Gina turns and waves her hand for Rosa to follow. Rosa rolls her eyes and does so. They enter the doorway, to find a smashed toilet, soaked floor, and no Amy.

"You made it sound like you fixed the toilet," Rosa says, looking at the bathroom and all it's glory. Every time she turned her head to see more of the room they met a new monstrosity to add on to it.

Gina shrugs. "Yeah, I thought maybe Amy would've pulled something together in the two minutes I stepped outside." Amy stumbles into the bathroom, hair in a messy bun, makeup streaking down her face, and a soaked "NYPD" shirt.

"Hey, Gina! Look what I stole from the Barnes and..." Her eyes widen in awe as she sees Rosa standing with Gina, totally unharmed. Or so she thought.

Amy dropped the toilet seat she was holding onto the tile and grasped Rosa in an embrace, almost as if to never lose her again. "Oh, my god, Rosa! I'm so happy to see you!" Her voice cracks and she cries onto Rosa's shoulder.

Rosa almost hugs back until she smells Amy. Her nose scrunches. "Wait, are you covered in toilet water?"

"Yes. Big time. But this is happening."

"Ugh. Fine."

Rosa and Amy hug for a few moments until Gina gives them a hinting look and says, "I kinda feel like I'm lurking..."

Rosa groans playfully. "Gina, get in here."

Gina hops on her tip-toes into the hug. "Yay!" she squeals.

They talk for a minute or two until Rosa notices a stream of blood running down her shirt. She panics and throws a rushed excuse at them both and leaves. She feels terrible. She can practically see their faces fall, even though she's already run away.

She doesn't want to call attention to herself, so Rosa leaves down the stairs beside the bullpen. It's starting to hurt more now. She knows she never should have waited this long before leaving. She's about to hail a cab to take her to the hospital, before she realizes she could never afford a visit. She heads on a bus going home. She books it straight to the back, just like she did in middle school. That's where all the cool kids sat. There's barely anyone back there, so she takes a peek under her shirt, covering her wound with her jacket. She grimaces. It's worse than she thought. There's a deep cut on the side of her stomach, maybe three or four inches long. It looks more gross now than when it was fresh. The blood has started clotting around the edges, making her wish the fucking bus would _hurry up_. She pulls her shirt back down and taps her foot on the ground until they make a stop and she can leave. This'll be one of the hardest parts; being cheery Emily Goldfinch. She prays there's no one outside her building that she'll have to talk to before she can get to her apartment, but of course, there is.

"Oh, hello, Emily, sweetheart!" her elderly neighbor, Miss Harold, waves at her. She's watering her plants.

Rosa forces a toothy grin. "Hi, Miss Harold! Your flowers are beautiful tonight." She can see Miss Harold is about to continue the conversation, so she says, "Have a good night, we'll talk tomorrow!" Rosa runs up the stairs in enough time to escape Miss Harold's lonely face after she's left alone to water her plants.

Rosa barely enters her apartment before getting a head rush. She closes the door hastily and sits down. She's in so much pain and she's lost so much blood. Her shirt looks like it was tie-dyed half red. After a few seconds, she forces herself onto the floor and crawls to her closet. The first aid kit is right there. She can't stand without help. She grabs the door handle, but her weight was too much. It falls off in her hand. The room swirls and blackens. The last thing she can think to do before passing out is call someone. She drops the door handle and opens her phone with shaking hands. Open contacts. Who's the first person on her contacts? She cringes as she sees the name "Charles Boyle". She calls him.

"Hey, Rosa! Are you feeling better?"

Rosa mumbles, "I need help. I'm hurt."

Boyle's concerned now. "I- okay, Rosa, where are you?"

She knows her address is too long to say. She won't get it out in time. "Track me," she sputters. If she stays on the line, they can track the call. Boyle says something after that, but she can't hear. She's gone.


	2. 2

_"Clear," Rosa says to the officer behind her. They paired up when the shootout started. Badge number 4021. As far as she knows, there are only three injured officers, one dead. He's not technically pronounced dead yet, but she knows he won't make it._

_The only shooter left seems to have gone into hiding in the hotel. His accomplices aren't as slick as him. There's so many fucking rooms in this hotel. They're on the third floor, and Rosa swears they've checked a hundred rooms already. The rest of the officers on the scene, except for another pairing in the hotel, are surrounding the entire building, guns drawn, an tensity they're all feeling enveloping them. An eery silence comes with it._

_Eventually, Rosa and 4021 reach the top of the building. Rosa sighs before whispering, "We should split up. Go find the other officers and each of us will take a different floor. You take the first and tell the officers outside to block the exits." 4021 reluctantly agrees and heads off. Now Rosa's alone. She has a thought; the roof. They have no one covering the roof. She takes the flight of stairs up, each step she takes echoing through the corridor. Now, she has a chance to be alone with her mind. Her thoughts are jumbled, a new one taking the place of the previous one before she can even finish it. Eventually it just becomes singular words;_

_Jake. Friend. Miss him. Love him. Noice. Bitch._

_Terry. Yogurt. Suspenders. Mentor. Supportive._

_Holt. Dad. Statue. Robot. Loveable. Hero._

_Gina. Instagram. Miss her. Iconic. Attention whore. Love her. Friend._

_Charles. Freak. Food. Broadway. Sweet. Helpful. Insane. Friend._

Amy.

Amy.

Amy.

_Rosa can't think of anything for Amy. No, no words. Just a feeling. A warm, tingling sensation. Then, a sharp coldness, as she thinks she may never see Amy again._

_She fights back the urge to slap her own cheek._

_Focus up, Diaz._

_She's reached the roof. Deep breath. She points her gun at the door and kicks it open. It's already unlocked. Her senses heighten. Her pulse quickens. She walks around the roof in a slow circle. "NYPD, come out with your hands up." Nothing. She stands for a moment._

_The hair on the back of her neck stands up._

_Someone's there. Before she has a chance to react, she hears the sound of a gun cocking against the back of her head. "Hey, Diaz." Rosa racks her brain. Where had she heard that voice before? And it hits her._

_"Tony Jacobson."_

_"Yeah. That's me," he snarls. He presses the gun onto her skull. She shudders as the hard metal hits her skin. He goes on a speech; how Rosa ruined his life by putting his brother in jail, he ended up getting the death penalty (Rosa didn't know that), and now Tony has no family left, etc. She wanted to feel bad for him, but she couldn't._

_She was going over every safety drill they went over in the academy. How do you escape a gun to your head? She couldn't remember._

_Amy._

_If only Amy were here. She'd know._

_Wait, no._

_Amy shouldn't be here. Rosa doesn't want her to be in danger._

_Rosa realizes he's wrapping up his rant, coming to the "and now I'm gonna kill you" reveal. What a cliche way to be murdered. She does the first thing that comes to mind; she falls backward, ducking her head, knocking over Tony in the process. The gun fires, and Rosa grimaces, expecting the worst, and she realizes it barely missed her; it went through her hair. She quickly flips around and reaches to pull her taser from her belt, before realizing there won't be time. Tony's about to shoot again, and this time, she can tell he won't miss. Rosa knows her only option, and it almost makes her want to cry. She points her gun downward and shoots Tony in the ankle._

_His face, along with the rest of his body, crumples onto the ground like a piece of fabric. Seeing him lay there, so helpless, she feels terrible. But, she sucks it up and moves forward. She kneels next to him, assessing the injury. She radios the rest of the officers down below her. She knows they've started climbing the building since they heard the shots._

_"Diaz, 3118, officers stand down, the final accomplice is down." Tony sees this as an opportunity. There's no way he's making it out of here without going to prison, so what the hell. Might as well have a little fun. He pulls a small pocket knife from his jeans and waits for Diaz to turn back around. She does. She cries out. He did some pretty good damage; a semi-deep cut right to the stomach. Rosa covers it with her jacket, seething through her teeth._

_"Fuck," she whispers. "Sit up, jackass," she says. She rips the knife out of his hand and closes it. She stuffs it in her pocket. She cuffs him and radios the rest of the officers again. "Diaz, 3118, perp's name is Tony Jacobson. He's in cuffs, but he needs medical attention." The medics and police come to help take Tony away, and Rosa sneaks away. She has to go see her squad, her family. No matter the consequences._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i added some santiaz wHaT a SuRpRiSe
> 
> anyway i'm loving writing this fic so so much, and i'm honestly kinda sad i didn't think of it myself, show me going is literally my favorite episode in the entire series. in any case, i suspect there won't be too too many chapters to this, but there will be a sequel!
> 
> ily all!


	3. 3

Charles trips over the stairs up to Rosa's apartment. He reaches her door and begins pounding on it. "Rosa!" he yells. No response. "Rosa!" His voice cracks. "Damnit." He breaks the door in. His gun falls to the ground as he zeroes in on Rosa, sitting in a small pool of her own blood. He drops to his knees and rests her head in his lap. She's pale. Deathly pale. He panics as he can't find her pulse. A small wave of relief washes over him as he finally does. It's faint, but it's there. He curses himself for not calling for backup or an ambulance beforehand. He goes searching through her kitchen and bathroom looking for something to use as a tourniquet, or something to use to put pressure on the wound. He eventually decides a shoelace and a towel will do. As he's fixing her up, his hands are shaking. His whole body is clammy. He weighs his options and realizes an ambulance will take too long to get there. He secures the shoelace and the towel, and picks up Rosa in his arms. As he's carrying her out of the apartment and down the stairs, he goes much slower this time.

Charles opens his back door and gently lays Rosa down on the seats. He buckles her in, just for safety. He tries to start the car multiple times before finally getting it right; the keys kept falling out of his hands. He turns on the sirens on his police car so he can get through traffic easier. Still, considering... New York... and how it always is... it takes them at least fifteen minutes to get to the hospital, which was only five blocks away.

As he enters with Rosa in his arms, she's rushed off to immediate surgery. Charles realizes as he's signing forms that he's been crying all this time.

Slowly, the rest of the squad starts to trickle in, every time asking Charles to relay the story. Terry and Gina show up in their pajamas, and Gina still has her sleep mask strung around her neck.

* * *

Rosa wakes in a groggy numbness. She opens her eyes and blinks. She can barely see. Her throat is so dry she can feel her skin rubbing up against itself. She tries to remember what happened. She groans and puts her head in her hands as she realizes what the aftermath of this'll be. She'll never hear the end of it from Terry, and Charles is going to try to baby her and take care of her. She may be terribly injured, but she could still end his life before you could call 911. She sits for a few minutes in the empty room before the buzz of the light above her head and the beeping of her heart rate monitor make her want to rip her ears off. At least if she did that she'd never have to hear Charles call her Ro-Ro again. She instinctively sits up to try to check the clock and see how much time had passed before realizing it hurts like a bitch. She moans and slowly lays her back down onto the pillow on her bed. She clutches her stomach, partially from pain, partially because she's starving. Maybe the nurse could get her some Jell-O.

As if on cue, the nurse shows up to check on her. "Hi, Rosa," the nurse says with a smile. "How are you feeling?" Rosa has no idea how to respond to that.

"Um. Hurt?"

"Good enough for me," he says with a chuckle. "I'm gonna take your vitals." Rosa winces. She hates needles. She wants to yell to psych herself up, but she doesn't have the energy to scream at a random nurse right now.

"What time is it?"

The nurse, Randy, his name tag says, glances at his watch. "2:38 am." Rosa groans again. "I feel you," Randy smiles.

Something dawns on Rosa; "I'm police. Is my squad here?" She doesn't know what she hopes the answer is.

"Yes, actually, they are. I think there were maybe five, give or take a few? Oh, and the guy who brought you in, Charles."

Rosa raises her eyebrows. "You know Charles?"

"Eh, not personally, but I've met enough Boyles in my day to recognize the name."

Rosa shrugs. "Yeah, that checks out."

"There was also another detective from your precinct, but he seemed to be here for something unrelated."

"Hitchcock or Scully?"

"Scully."

"Unsurprising." She pauses. She doesn't want to seem too feely, but she desperately wants to see her squad. She pushes down the feeling of embarrassment she knew she'll be feeling soon and asks, "Can I see them soon?"

"Who, Scully?" Randy jokes. "Yeah, we can bring them in once we have you stabilized and we know everything is all good with you and your insides."

Before she can fight it off, a smile seeps out from Rosa's lips. Randy has no idea how big of an honor that is for him. "Ooh, one more thing-- am I cleared to eat yet? I need some shit to fill me up."

"Yeah, what do you want? We have Jell-O, pudding, dry sandwiches, and cold broth. I'd suggest the Jell-O."

"I'll take it."

* * *

About thirty minutes later, the squad is brought in. Charles looks to Randy for approval before running to Rosa and hugging her. Rosa rolls her eyes and hugs him back; he's earned it. One by one, each of the squad gets their chance to do the same except for Holt and Gina, who give a handshake and a small kiss on the forehead (then a fist bump), respectively. They talk until one by one they start nodding off. All things considered, this was not the worst sleepover Rosa had been to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not posting like usual! i've been reading fic instead of writing the past few days but i'm back now :)


	4. 4

"Rosa, Rosa, Rosa!" Amy yells. She woke up to the sound of Rosa screaming, but she was still asleep. Nightmares.

Amy lightly hits Rosa on the shoulder and she essentially flinches herself awake. She quiets, still breathing hard, looking around with bugged out eyes. It takes her a second to ground herself. Cold sweats have her thin t-shirt soaked and her curly hair flattened. Rosa focuses on Amy, still reeling from her not-so-peaceful sleep.

"Hey, hey, Rosa, look at me," Amy coaxes. Rosa does as she's told, her panting getting less intense. Her grip on her covers loosens. "It's me, Amy, we're in your bedroom at your apartment. You're safe, and it's the middle of the night." Instinctually, she practically breaks her neck to look at the digital clock beside her bed. It's almost 2:30 am. Amy tried to hide her sleepiness from Rosa; she quickly combs through her hair with her fingers and rubs her eyes. She really doesn't want Rosa to feel bad for waking her up.

"Amy, why are you here with me?" Rosa asks. Her voice is mumbled, mainly because her heart rate is slowing down from the adrenaline rush, making her even more tired than before.

Amy hesitates before giving an answer. "The doctors said you might be waking up a lot, with night terrors from memories of that night." She pauses. She doesn't know if she should tell Rosa the next detail. "They suspect you'll have PTSD from this."

Rosa is silent, until: "What day is it?"

"It's technically Sunday, early, early Sunday. You went into the range on Friday, got admitted into the hospital really late that night, so, really, just early, early Saturday. I took you home from the hospital last night, and now it's Sunday." Amy stops herself. She's rambling and Rosa is most likely too tired to try and understand her right now.

Amy cautiously looks back at Rosa, half-expecting her to be asleep again, but what she finds isn't anything she expected in a million years; Rosa's crying. Not really, truly sobbing, barely even choking up. But, there are tears streaming down her cheeks. She lets out a small, shaky sigh as she asks, "Will you come sit with me?" Of course, Amy answers yes and hurriedly wobbles over to the other side of Rosa's bed.

Amy knows this isn't really the right time to ask, but if she doesn't, she couldn't even guess what would happen. Emotional Rosa is still Rosa. "Can I use your blankets with you? I'm a little cold."

"Oh, yeah, of course. I'm sorry I didn't give you one when we came home."

Amy's stomach flutters a bit at hearing Rosa call her apartment home for both of them. "It's not your fault. They had you pretty drugged up."

Rosa wants to laugh, but she can't. She lets out a small, sad smile. "Yeah."

Amy's heart warms at the sight of Rosa's smiling face, but she knows Rosa's still not okay. "Do you wanna talk about what happened?" Amy holds her breath, awaiting a snap from Rosa, telling her to get out. But, none comes. Instead, a sniffle.

"Please." Rosa's voice breaks.

Amy's eyes well with tears. She knows this is a really big step for Rosa, and the fact that she's confiding in Amy makes her feel special. She's always known Rosa was her friend, but she never really knew if Rosa thought of her as a friend back.

Amy glances up at Rosa's face, trying to assess the situation and what she can do next. She prepares for Rosa to pull away as she sticks her hand under the covers and grabs Rosa's. She squeezes it lovingly. A grin grows from deep inside her as she feels Rosa squeeze back.

"Start whenever you're ready. I'm here as long as you want me."

Rosa begins. She starts with relaying the events of the shooting, strictly stating facts; but as it gets later and later, Rosa starts letting some feelings slip through, until she finally allows everything she's thinking pour out of her. All the while, Amy listens.

It's really late by now (or early, as Amy would say), each passing minute, Rosa sinks farther down into her blankets, her tears becoming less prominent, and her voice softening. Now, Rosa is laying completely flat, except for her head resting a few inches above the rest of her body on her pillow, still holding Amy's hand. Amy had lain her head down on Rosa's shoulder a little while ago, but she couldn't remember exactly when. Eventually, Rosa drifted off, Amy never saying a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gasps* and they were roommates


	5. 5

Rosa feels awful.

It's eleven in the morning, and she's laying in her bed. She doesn't want to open her eyes. That'll mean it really is another day. Another day she has to go through, reliving every moment of that night in her mind. No matter how hard she tries to stop it. It hurts even more now than it did then, both physically and emotionally. The sound of the gun firing into Tony's leg, the screams she heard from him. It sucked. But, he deserved it. That's what she has to say to herself. To keep her sane.

_Bang._

She can feel the sun on her face, trickling in through her now-open blinds. How are they open? She closed them last night.

_Bang._

She turns over in her bed, letting out a little yelp. She forgot she was injured.

_Bang._

She buries her face in her pillow. Her ratty hair is sticking to her face, from tears or sweat, she can't be certain.

_Bang._

She wants to shut off her mind.

_Bang._

She wants it to end.

_Bang._

To be over.

_Bang._

* * *

Amy glances at the clock. 10:54 am. She's in Rosa's kitchen making brunch. One of the only things she knows about Rosa is that she loves herbal tea, so that's what she makes; herbal tea with cheesy eggs and a honey biscuit. Amy doesn't know what Rosa likes for breakfast, but she does know that honey biscuits always made herself smile when she was sick as a kid. Her grandma would make her one, sometimes with a little bacon smile to go along with it, and bring it out to Amy so she could eat out on the porch. The sun against her face, wrapped in a blanket, still in her pajamas. She'd listen to the sounds of the city and it calmed her. Sometimes, she'd get a whiff of the donut bakery below her apartment. It made her feel a bit better for the rest of the day.

Just as she's grabbing the spatula to rake the eggs onto a plate, Amy hears a loud noise from Rosa's bedroom. _Oh, shit,_ she thinks. She drops the spatula. As she's running, she subconsciously thanks herself for putting on slippers with grips on the bottom the night before. She enters the room panicked, and comes upon a semi-sleeping Rosa, screaming just like she was a few hours prior. Amy kneels next to the bed, pulling her hair into a sloppy ponytail, and remembers how she dealt with this the last time. She prepares to get hit, and gently shakes Rosa's shoulder. Rosa gives one final exclamation and opens her eyes to a worried Amy sweeping hair out of Rosa's face. This time, Rosa is less scared. Her heart is beating a mile a minute, but at least Amy's there. Rosa processes Amy's words slower than she says them. Eventually, it starts coming through clearer. "...you're safe, we're still in your apartment, and you just woke up from a dream. You're safe here with me." That last sentence warms Rosa's soul like nothing ever has. "Do you want to try sitting up?" Rosa tries to speak. She can't form the words. Her head shakes rapidly back and forth. "That's okay. Can I pull your hair back for you?" Rosa nods, calmer this time, and Amy slowly moves around to the other side of the bed. Her hands rest on the side of Rosa's head and she says, "Move your head a little to the right, so I can get all of your hair." She does so, and Amy pulls the tie from her own hair to use. She tenderly brushes through Rosa's hair with a comb that was on her nightstand and twists the hair tie around thrice. Rosa's much more tranquil now, her breathing more regulated. Amy trots back over to face Rosa, looking at her sleepy face. It hurts her to see the traces of pain and sadness that are woven in. Rosa starts to think of what to say.

"Amy-"

"Oh, shit, the eggs!" Amy stands and falls, running back to the kitchen in an attempt to salvage the now very burnt eggs. Smoke fills the room, and Amy prays Rosa's smoke alarms are out of batteries.

Rosa slumps back down, deeper into her comfy mattress, and sighs. The moment passed.

At least now she knows it was Amy who opened the blinds.


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer, I know absolutely nothing about the medical aspect of any of this so don't come at me.

Rosa sighs as she opens her door. She just got home from her first day back at the 99. It was... draining, to say the least. She closes her door and locks it while tossing her keys onto her kitchen counter. She yanks off her heeled boots and shoves them into the corner of the wall. She can't stop thinking about everything that happened. She's already healed up, her stitches are getting removed next week, but she feels out of place. Unbelonging. Estranged. The squad was all excited to have her back. They'd all visited once when Rosa was about a month out on bed rest; she was going stir-crazy and needed to see someone, literally anyone (Amy was still checking on her every day, but she still had to work). Even Scully would be better than no one. Actually, scratch that. If Scully farted in her apartment, she'd have to move.

The whole squad had come. They were planning to watch a movie together, but no one could agree on anything before Rosa just fell asleep, right there on her couch. Amy and Jake helped walk her there, so they couldn't just leave her. Amy ended up staying the night again until Rosa woke up and Amy helped her back to bed. That night, Amy just sat beside Rosa on the floor and watched her sleep. Amy had taken one of Rosa's NYPD sweatshirts to sleep in; Amy hoped she wouldn't notice since they all had the same one.

Rosa takes a box of mac and cheese from her cupboard and begins boiling water on her stove. She's so out of it, she doesn't even think before testing the water with her finger. "Ouch, fucking hell!" She screams. She runs over to the closet with the first aid kit in it, before remembering the knob hasn't been replaced yet. Holding her finger in a tight squeeze, she shuts her eyes and seethes through her teeth as she slides down the door onto her floor. This feels all too familiar. All of a sudden, she can't breathe. Her hands are shaking beyond belief as she puts one on her neck to check her pulse; it's rapid-fire, beating 200 times a minute. Her vision starts blurring again. Everything feels the same, everything reminds her of what happened. She wants to scream, but air can't leave her throat. It's closed up and it hurts. It feels like she's drowning, but it's not like water could reach her lungs anyway.

Rosa doesn't know why this is happening. Nothing happened. Her goddamn finger still burns. Why can't she breathe? Her brain is too loud. Her hair is in her face and on her neck. She needs it to stop. Is she crying? Or is that sweat? How long has she been on the floor? She needs to take her jacket off. She feels like a hundred and ten degrees. It's too tight. How can she get her fucking jacket off? Now it's on the carpet next to her. Wait. What's that next to it? Her phone. She needs help. She needs help.

Her trembling hand grasps the phone, barely able to hold on. Her breaths are sharp and quick, each inhale feeling deeper than the last. Oxygen is forced out of her before she can even finish a breath. Her thumbprint isn't working, she can't unlock her phone. She tries to type in her password, 3118. Her finger misses the '1' button, making her first attempt 3128. She has to start over. She can feel her heartbeat in her brain, in her fingers, in her feet, in her neck. 3 *breath* 1 1 *breath* 8. Her jeans are clinging to her legs, suffocating them. Why is it so steamy and humid in her apartment?

She opens the phone calling app on her phone. Who can she call? Amy? Amy had helped her through nightmares. She dials her number. Amy picks up on the second ring. "Rosa? Is everything okay?" Rosa wants to answer. She tries. Her breathing only gets worse. "Rosa? You're breathing really hard, do you need help?" Rosa spits out something that resembles a "yes". "I'm leaving work right now. I'm coming to your apartment." Rosa can faintly hear the sound of keys jingling and a purse zipping. "I'm going to stay on the phone with you until I get there." Minutes feel like hours. "Taxi!" Why is everything so loud? "I'm coming." There's nothing in her apartment making noise. "I promise I'll be there soon." Why is it so goddamn loud? "The taxi's pulling up." She's going to pass out. "I'm letting myself in right now." Help. "I'm almost there."

Amy crashes through the door, her bag dropping from her shoulder almost instantly. Amy hurries over to Rosa and kneels next to her. "Hey, hey, Rosa, I'm here." Rosa stares straight ahead but grips Amy's arm like it's the only thing tethering her to the ground. "Sh, sh, sh, sh. You're okay, you're okay." The words don't reaffirm Rosa. "Rosa, I'm going to need to listen to me. Focus on me. Focus on my voice." Her voice is firm. Rosa is so tired. Breathing is a chore. She can't slow her breathing. She can't. But she's so tired. "Can you see? Nod if you can see, just any part of the room." Rosa looks around. Her vision is blurred but not blackened. She nods. "Good, good. I need you to look around and tell me five items you see."

"I- uh- um-" Rosa clears her throat. "Okay, um- bookshelf, door," She takes a sharp breath. It hurts. Her eyes water and tears drip down her face. She aggressively wipes her cheeks with her sleeve. "Couch, pot, shoes."

"That's great." Amy notices Rosa's breathing becoming less quick. "How about four things you can hear?"

"Dog barking, you talking, uh-" She pats her own leg on instinct. To ground her, maybe? She'll never know. "Traffic, water bubbling."

"Okay, you're doing great-- wait, did you say water bubbling?" Rosa vaguely nods over to the pot of boiling water on her stove. "Oh, shit, okay." Amy rushes to the stove to turn it off and move the pot to a cool burner. She reenters the living room to find Rosa on the ground where she fell, her hands flailing in the air as though she had just washed her hands and there were no paper towels. "Hey, calm down, you're okay." Rosa grabs hold of Amy once again. "Tell me three things you feel."

Rosa allows one hand to leave Amy's arm and she guides it to the floor. "Carpet, your sleeve, and the, uh- my jeans." Her breathing is even slower now. Less shaky.

"We're almost done," she reassures Rosa. "Can you smell anything? Just two things?"

Rosa's door is still open from when Amy came in, so smells can waft through. "The neighbor's barbeque and your perfume."

Amy waits a moment to assess Rosa's state. "I'm proud of you, you did really well. Do you think you can stand?" Rosa nods again, in an 'I'm not sure but I can try' kind of way. Rosa stands on unstable legs and Amy leads her into her bedroom, plopping her down on her bed.

"Help- help me get my jacket off." Rosa is trying to shrug it off her shoulders but it's not working. Amy gently pulls the sleeves over Rosa's arms and rests the jacket on the bed's railing.

Rosa sits criss-cross on her bed, frantically pulling her hair up with her still quivering hands. "I'm going to go get you a cup of water," Amy says as she exits the room again. Rosa's still crying. Not even making any noise, just tears running down an empty, expressionless face. She's even more tired now. All of her limbs feel like they're made of lead, slowly weighing her down day after day. She wipes her eyes once more, leaving tear stains on her comforter.

Amy comes back in the door holding a full cup of water from Rosa's fridge. She silently hands it to her and Rosa rests in on her leg for a moment before taking a small sip and setting it on her nightstand. The two sit in uncomfortable silence, neither daring to meet the other's eyes. Rosa, pulling at a loose string on her jeans pocket, breaks the quiet. "I'm not sure what you want me to say."

Amy looks up at Rosa's broken face. "I don't _want_ you to say anything if you don't want to."

Rosa sits up straighter, suddenly upset. "You know, that's what pisses me off. These past few months, you and the rest of the squad have been treating me like this little broken, fragile thing. I feel like a toddler who's parents are explaining racism to them; I'm being fed watered-down conversations."

Amy's heart breaks. She wants to be mad. She _knows_ she should be mad. But she can't be. "I'm really sorry, Rosa. I didn't know you felt that way."

"I'm just so drained. So tired. I didn't expect today to be as hard as it was." Rosa looks back down to her hands, fiddling with her own fingers.

Amy scoots closer to Rosa on the bed. They're sitting side-by-side, Rosa facing forwards and Amy facing towards Rosa's side. Rosa, tears welling in her eyes, leans in for a hug with Amy. Those tears never fall, because she feels the comfort of Amy. Her best friend, Amy, who had put up with her for months. Amy had taken care of her, listened to her, spent the night to make sure she was okay-- hell, she even learned how to help with panic attacks just for Rosa.

After a minute or two of their hug, Rosa pulls away, her arms still around Amy. Amy, suddenly nervous, glances down at Rosa's lips. 'Why did I do that?' she thinks to herself. Before she can process what's happening, Rosa leans in. Amy's eyes widen before she gladly closes them. Their lips meet. Rosa can't help but notice that Amy's lip gloss tastes like strawberries.

They part after a few seconds before smiling. They both want it. They want it again and they want more.

Their brains don't even have time to process any of this. They're together, and that's what counts.

One thing Rosa now knows for sure: she's never letting Amy Santiago go for as long as she can help it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! so i know this chapter was kinda intense but it's how I feel when I get panic attacks. no one experiences them the exact same way so I'm taking from experience. glad to say I haven't had one in almost a year, and I'm super proud of myself! that's all I wanted to say haha.
> 
> also I always forget to say this but thank you so much for all the support on this fic, I think we're almost at 900 hits which is insane to me. i was really scared to add the santiaz because I'm not sure how many people ship it and like if that would turn people away from it but I'm really glad it didn't! thank you all again, ily! :)
> 
> update: I'm sorry for the long notes ahh but I have l o t s to say. SO! this might be the last chapter of this fic, I just need to plan out the sequel. If not, there may be one more, but either way there will be more content!


	7. the end

hi guys :)

i know i said i was going to make a sequel to this but I felt this was where it would be best to end it

I'm so glad you all love this fic so much and your support means the world to me

thank you so much! <33


End file.
